Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town historically known for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're building them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")

In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, positive, let us have A further place exactly where American Adult males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: supply Every person a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he really should stop working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You already know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a aspect getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after obtaining the setting up's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It really is not simply unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Functions

Probably the Trump Tower Damascus strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium where visitors might ponder vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Regulate set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Regional Syrians are Not sure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"

The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is For good."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it might stabilize the realm"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "exactly where's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is already attracting awareness from Intercontinental buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level may also contain:

A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War

Remark Part Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not hold out to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have turn-down company."

An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You happen to be welcome."